Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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