Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Randomize
