She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
