I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
