I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
