i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Randomize
