I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
