If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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