is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
