did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize