my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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