She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
