Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
