I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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