It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
