I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
