Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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