Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Randomize
