Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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