Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
