last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
