I faked an abortion last night.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
