I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
