she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
