Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
