thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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