I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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