we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
