i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
