I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
