my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Will exercising make me less horny?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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