How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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