well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
My ass is underappreciated
Randomize
