I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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