I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
