This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize