I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
