hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
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