i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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