I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
