I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
