I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
