Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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