No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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