I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
