I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize