on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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