We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
