we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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