I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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