life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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