Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
