she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
