i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
