dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
