you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
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