So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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