Your face is a jimmy john
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Houston, we have a squirter
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
