It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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