Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
